Baby Steps

This week starts my last week working over nights. As of next Sunday morning I will no longer be nocturnal.

So far the changes in my life that I have started is:

Getting a discount membership to a gym for the first two months. Cannot beat two months at Wilson's for 15 dollars a month.

Three sessions of reformer Pilates.

I would say I am off to a good start.

Sobriety..

I have a lot of time to think while I am at work. I work the night shift and sometimes it is very slow.

I was thinking last night that in a sense I took my first step towards Sobriety. I admitted that I have a problem, that I need to fix it, that I cannot do it on my own, and yes I need help.

I am now working towards Sobriety (which is what I am choosing to call my journey at this point) one itsy bitsy step at a time.

Will it be hard, hell yes.

Will I mess up, most likely.

Will I get back on the right path again, most definitely.

I am not expecting anything to happen over night. There might not be any drastic changes that people will be able to see right away. But I am working on it.

I have family members that fight addiction all the time. Whether it be alcohol or cigarettes. I think I am pretty much the first, admitted, member of my family to have a food addiction. Which is a hard addiction to have. I do not have to smoke, do drugs, or drink to survive. I do have to eat. How do you deal with an addiction when you have to belly up to the bar everyday and take that which you are addicted to so you survive? That which is slowly killing you? This I do not have the answer to. But I am working on it.

I know I do not need people asking me - So how is your weight loss going? So are you hitting the gym regularly? You know we really love you but we would love for you to loose weight. All of these statements can be potentially damaging to someone trying to beat an addiction.

If you would like to ask me how I am doing please just ask how is your sobriety going. Most likely you will get a response that either says it is going slowly but it is going, or one step at a time.

First Step...

The first step is the hardest step to take no matter what you are doing.

This is the step that will either set you up for failure (hopefully not) or for success (this is what you are always shooting for!!). But it is the possibility of the first possible outcome that keeps people from sometimes making that first step.

With this in mind I am still willing to take that first step.

This is who I am:

What this picture does not show you is that I am:
- 40 years old
- Have been overweight my entire life
- Dealing with a food addiction
- A binge eater
- Sometimes just want to give up
- I truly hate food and sometimes cry when I eat
- I will starve myself as I see food as an enemy that I cannot evade or loose
- Have lost my drive because I feel like I am the only person where I am at. (which I know in my mind is not true but my heart does not listen)
- Really good at justifying my life and my choices so I do not feel bad about the incorrect choices I have made
- Knows that all I have to do to get help for anything is just ask. But asking is hard

What this blog is going to help me do:
- Hopefully help me change my behavior one small step at a time
- Teach me that it is okay to let people know that you need help
- Learn that emotions are okay to have, to feel, and to show
- To learn to enjoy food not for the wonderful fattening foods that I love, let me say this again LOVE TO EAT, but for what food can truly be. The fuel that keeps me going with the flavors that I can enjoy and not feel guilty.
- Learn to accept me for me. So I do not feel like an outsider in my own skin.

Step one of my plan. Admitting all this to myself. Again the first step is the hardest one to take.